top of page

Tell-Tale Signs of a "Certain Age"

“Leon, you need to develop a relationship with your pain.”

It’s ten years ago. I'm visiting my primary-care physician with yet another lower-back spasm.

At the time, I fantasized about punching her in the face, then shouting "Develop a relationship with your pain!"

But over the past decade, I’ve come to realize just how correct she was. Damn it.

Because, while I once hoped to die without pain, it’s increasingly apparent that that’s a pipe dream.

With my 60th birthday just weeks away, I’ve realized, by a certain age, you can’t even live without pain!

And that's not the only thing I've realized as I learn to accept my segue from "pretty young twink" to "grumpy old queen."

Here are some other tell-tale signs that confirm why I must prepare to adopt the title of “senior citizen,” whether I like it or not. How many of them can you relate to?

  • You accept stuff that used to piss you off. Or at least learn to tolerate them. Like wrinkles. And Republicans.

  • You avoid things that upset your stomach. Like red meat. And Republicans.

  • You must now occasionally coax things out of your body that you used to expel easily.

  • You now see that your parents aren’t superheroes who’ll always be able to fly to your rescue.

  • You prepare yourself for the possibility that, some day, you'll need to be a superhero who flies to his parents' rescue.

  • You've accepted that that evil – no matter how hard we fight it – has always existed and always will.

  • Sex stops being the driving force in your life.

  • You no longer recognize stars and celebrities on the cover of magazines.

  • You still read magazines.

  • You have three sets of lenses for three different purposes.

  • After screaming “Move it, Grandpa!” at a driver on the freeway, you drive past said driver, turn to glare, and see they are half your age.

  • You stop trying to explain yourself to people who think you’re an asshole.

  • You accept that, often, you are an asshole.

  • You avoid using slang because you can no longer keep track of what “they” are saying now versus what “they” were saying then.

  • You now get more excited about an evening with no plans than a night out on the town.

  • Your doctor is younger than you.

  • Your boss is younger than you.

  • Those clothes you’ve kept in storage all these many years have finally come back into style.

  • All those back-in-style fashions you saved no longer fit!

What realizations have you had about getting older? Come on, fess up! Please post them below!


If you enjoyed this blog, and would like to read more pieces like it, check out my new book Expletives Not Deleted, coming May 30, 2023 in paperback, e-book & audio book!

135 views1 comment

Recent Posts

See All

1 commentaire

I laughed through a lot of this blog - funny but true!

bottom of page