top of page

Tell-Tale Signs of a "Certain Age"

“Leon, you need to develop a relationship with your pain.”


It’s ten years ago. I'm visiting my primary-care physician with yet another lower-back spasm.


At the time, I fantasized about punching her in the face, then shouting "Develop a relationship with your pain!"


But over the past decade, I’ve come to realize just how correct she was. Damn it.


Because, while I once hoped to die without pain, it’s increasingly apparent that that’s a pipe dream.


With my 60th birthday just weeks away, I’ve realized, by a certain age, you can’t even live without pain!


And that's not the only thing I've realized as I learn to accept my segue from "pretty young twink" to "grumpy old queen."


Here are some other tell-tale signs that confirm why I must prepare to adopt the title of “senior citizen,” whether I like it or not. How many of them can you relate to?


  • You accept stuff that used to piss you off. Or at least learn to tolerate them. Like wrinkles. And Republicans.

  • You avoid things that upset your stomach. Like red meat. And Republicans.


  • You must now occasionally coax things out of your body that you used to expel easily.


  • You now see that your parents aren’t superheroes who’ll always be able to fly to your rescue.


  • You prepare yourself for the possibility that, some day, you'll need to be a superhero who flies to his parents' rescue.


  • You've accepted that that evil – no matter how hard we fight it – has always existed and always will.


  • Sex stops being the driving force in your life.


  • You no longer recognize stars and celebrities on the cover of magazines.


  • You still read magazines.


  • You have three sets of lenses for three different purposes.


  • After screaming “Move it, Grandpa!” at a driver on the freeway, you drive past said driver, turn to glare, and see they are half your age.


  • You stop trying to explain yourself to people who think you’re an asshole.


  • You accept that, often, you are an asshole.


  • You avoid using slang because you can no longer keep track of what “they” are saying now versus what “they” were saying then.


  • You now get more excited about an evening with no plans than a night out on the town.


  • Your doctor is younger than you.


  • Your boss is younger than you.


  • Those clothes you’ve kept in storage all these many years have finally come back into style.


  • All those back-in-style fashions you saved no longer fit!


What realizations have you had about getting older? Come on, fess up! Please post them below!


#####



If you enjoyed this blog, and would like to read more pieces like it, check out my new book Expletives Not Deleted, coming May 30, 2023 in paperback, e-book & audio book!



135 views1 comment

Recent Posts

See All

1 commentaire


I laughed through a lot of this blog - funny but true!

J'aime
bottom of page