READ: Heir Loss - Aging Without Kids

I don’t believe in regrets. At  least I didn’t. But as I get older, I realize I might have at least one.

It’s that Laurence and I never had kids.

We talked about it quite a bit, casually, in our early years together. We certainly had enough lesbian friends with whom we could’ve shared a child. And Laurence would’ve been a loving, attentive parent. But our talks never really got serious.

Because, truth be told, I never truly wanted a kid then. I didn't believe I was up to the challenge. And for very good reasons.

Like many actors/writers, I’ve a tendency to be just a tad selfish with my time and a bit self-centered.

Now, I’ve read plenty of interviews with celebrity parents who say childbirth, and raising a child, changes a person. Your heart grows, and you just can’t help but put your child’s needs and wants first.

That’s what they say.

But clearly, there are enough bad parents out there that disprove that theory. Or at least, it didn’t “take” with them.

I feared I'd only be interested in fatherhood if my kid was smart and/or gorgeous – and if it were stupid, hideous, or bratty (or, God forbid, all three!) I’d quickly lose interest. Maybe even grow to be embarrassed. Or resentful.

Or even worse, what if they turned out just like me? I’d turn into Joan Crawford.

At the very least, I could never live up to my own parents’ excellent example.

Despite missing out that "your heart grows" business, there've been plenty of benefits to being childless:

We’ve traveled a bit, unencumbered by diaper bags and strollers; we dine out quite frequently; we’ve been able to focus on our respective careers and even produce a few show-biz projects.

It’s also meant more disposable income, allowing me to continue my obsessions with clothes, movies, and Wonder Woman comics and memorabilia.

But it isn't all "me me me." There are many selfless reasons to opt out of this procreation business. Our carbon footprint is certainly much smaller than most as a result!

And when you think about it, is it really smart or even humane to bring more children into a world suffering from overpopulation and climate change?

Or, for that matter, into a deeply divided country, thanks to the right-wing coup currently in progress by Trump and his sycophants in Congress and SCOTUS?

Hell, just attempting to become pregnant in America's current political climate must be a terrifying prospect for any woman!

But I digress...

With no offspring, we’ve been spared the dramas of childhood illnesses and injuries; bad grades; orthodontia; teenaged drug use; fights with school administrators; and assorted angsts over crushes, broken hearts, and social-media slights.

Not to mention the truly heart-breaking tragedies that strike some truly unfortunate souls. Yes, I’ve seen those gut-wrenching St. Jude Hospital commercials.  

But … as we’ve aged, and I’ve watched my family grow, with young nieces and nephews becoming adults and starting families of their own, as well as watching Dad adjust to life without Mom, I wonder if maybe Laurence and I missed the boat.

Not because my Dad's "bloodline" ends with me. As he has reassured me, "There are enough Acords already."

Ironically, it's because of my aforementioned selfishness.

Laurence and I are both pretty healthy, but I do sometimes wonder – if we both eventually become too infirm to care for each another, who can we possibly guilt-trip into taking care of us?

In other words, we’re old! And getting older all the time. And aging without kids can be scary.

I’ve joked with Laurence that I do have a late-game solution: 

We should adopt a parentless thirty-year-old!

We’ll agree to pay for their wedding (at least the first one), babysit the “grandkids” whenever they need us, and bequeath to them our earthly possessions (including my sizeable wardrobe and impressive Wonder Woman collection) –  if they agree to be there for us when we need rides to the doctor, help arguing with insurance companies – or, in the end, someone to tell the doctors that it’s finally time to let us go.

But karma being who she is, I realize my scheme could never work. I’m sure I’d inadvertently adopt someone as selfish and self-centered as I am, and they’d be just as horrible as a son/daughter as I’d probably be as a parent!

So, on second thought, no. No regrets. We'll just have to stay healthy & ambulatory forever!

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Burgeoning curmudgeon (or is that queer-mudgeon?) Leon Acord takes on current events (MAGA, cancel culture), modern-day life (precocious parents, technology), pop culture (theatre critics, closeted actors), and more in Expletives Not Deleted, his collection of bitchy yet bubbly essays, all written in the same acerbic voice that made his memoir SUB-LEBRITY a five-star Amazon bestseller.

Buy it HERE